So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
