I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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