New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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