dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
