oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
