Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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