He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
