dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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