We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
