If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
