She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
