True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
