I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
