My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
The Olympian is in my bed
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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