I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize