My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
