you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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