just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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