im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
no, he came in my armpit
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
