dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Randomize
