Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
