There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
