he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Come on in and take your pants off
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