I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
