he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
