You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
