I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
