I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
