And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
