fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize