she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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