I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
