hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
