I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
