So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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