gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
