Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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