Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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