my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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