there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
