my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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