I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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