So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
