i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
