it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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