She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
