I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize