Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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