1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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