it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
