I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
