Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
