I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
