just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
