in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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