i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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