I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
