The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
