I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
me + whiskey = a bad person
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