I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
