mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
